#06 Happy To Be Here
Thoughts & Musings 💭
It has been a while, hello! How are you? What has been on your mind? What are you most grateful for lately? What has been filling your cup, or on the contrary, depleting you? Are you feeling a lot of joy, or grief? With everything that is going on in the world right now, I'm certain it's a spectrum of a lot of different things.
I've been deeply craving getting back to this space over the last three months, but couldn't bring myself to write because my brain has been wrapped up in the sweet chaos of moving. After 3 months of a lot of unsettling, and settling, I've returned to dust off my keyboard, and try my best to articulate the feelings and thoughts that have been bubbling up to the surface.
Bear with me. It's all feeling very fuzzy.
There's been a lot of dissociation mixed with tunnel vision, and really big feelings from the onslaught of change. Moving trucks, logistics, scary roadtrip blizzards, going away parties, birthdays, closing of chapters, apartment applications, second thoughts, deterioration of routine and constants, and the like. If you've moved in the past, you probably know just how turbulent it all is. As humans, we have a basic, primal need to belong and I believe moving - especially cross country - tends to challenge that exact notion. With all of the movement and moving that's been going on lately, to my very pleasant surprise, I've been feeling more present than I have in a long time. Overall, I've been feeling really, really good. This is a massive shift compared to how I was feeling throughout last year. I reckon that is likely another reason as to why I haven't felt as drawn to writing lately. I find that I'm more naturally drawn to writing when I'm experiencing emotional turmoil, when my anxiety and pain are looking for a home to rest in, but given that things have been rather smooth-sailing, even with all of this change, I'm finding it more arduous to reminisce and reflect on what exactly transpired in the last 80 days. As of right now, I'm simply very happy and grateful to be here. In New York, my new home, with my doggies, husband / bestfriend, my sister 10 miles away in Harlem, and a very loving and supportive family on the other side of the Holland Tunnel in New Jersey.
I've been writing the above passage for 5 days, and candidly, am finding it so difficult to thread words together into coherent sentences, so here are a handful of images that have crystallized the memories of a time that I will remember forever:
Notes From An Elder: On Happiness
Since October of last year, I've had the pleasure of interviewing my 76 year old grandma on life, loss, change, love, philosophy and the various flavors of this very messy human journey that we're all riding together. It has felt deeply purposeful, and important. For the both of us. I've approached her with a plethora of questions since childhood, however, there's something marvelous that happens in a highly intentional container. My grandma is currently residing in Russia during the war, and these questions have provided her the space to take a step back from the turmoil and anxiety.
My hope is that this project inspires someone else to connect with their elders in a more intentional and purposeful way.
Here's a snippet from our conversation in January.
All throughout life, you never really have a good grasp of what the rest of your time here on Earth has in store for you. It’s really difficult to pinpoint the happiest moments. I’ll tell you why. I’ve had many remarkably happy moments throughout my long life. For me, happiness is a moment that lasts merely a second, but what follows that second are feelings and memories that make up an entire life. They can arrive unexpectedly when you meet the sunset or sunrise, or the Northern Lights, the birth of your children, grandchildren, the beginning of spring, meeting with an old friend who makes your heart sing, watching the clouds roll across the blue sky, the seconds after finishing a book that changed your life. The moments go away, but the feelings remain. I believe that when there are a lot of these happy, yet fleeting moments, that is exactly what makes up a fulfilling life. I've had many of these, thus making me a very happy person.
Following Purpose 🌀
If you read my previous newsletter, you likely already know that I made the decision to embark on a soulful exploration of what it means to be a purposeful human in 2023. And if you didn't read my previous newsletter, now you know! Calling it a challenge makes me cringe a bit. I'm exhausted of challenges largely because I've gotten remarkably good at failing at them, and then getting filled to the brim with self-deprecating thoughts shortly thereafter. It's a crucial cycle that sometimes lasts years, and at this point in my life, it's simply not beneficial. I'm not exactly sure what to name this exploration, and I'm also not too sure it needs a name. I've been throwing out the word experiment, adventure, project, or escapade in passing... Frankly, it feels like all of those things.
Here's a little refresher:
In an effort to pursue uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable satisfaction, I will be fully exploring several hobbies / personal interests every 3 months in 2023. If all goes as planned, I am hoping to have either a minimum of 4, or a maximum of 8 hobbies that I've fed my curiosity with by December, and hopefully, be inspired to run with the same formula (or a version of it) for many years to come. This is an attempt try out the things I've always been curious in, but never had the courage or "time" to actually do. I am not setting expectations, or hard rules. The goal is simply to have fun exploring and creating.
From January to March, I learned how to wheel throw ceramics, and surfed solo for the first time 🏄♀️ I didn't surf or wheel throw everyday. In fact, I only had the opportunity to surf twice because it was literally raining every day throughout those three months. A total anomaly for Los Angeles. After hearing scary stories from a couple of surfing friends about contracting GI and terrible illnesses following surfing during or after rainfall (see why here, it's gross), I said c'est la vie and patted myself on the back for still tackling my fear! I lugged my surfboard all the way to New York where I am very much looking forward to jumping into the ocean with my surf board in tow.
Because I did not initially set any rules or goals outside of simply pursuing the things I've always wanted to pursue, and having as much fun in the process, I don't feel the need to abandon this commitment, or criticize myself for not surfing every week. So far, I've accomplished the exact thing I set out to do, and that feels really damn good! For the next three months, I'll be diving head in into the world of photography and cooking. This means bingeing cooking shows, watching Masterclasses from world class chefs and photographers, getting my hands dirty with croissant dough, expired film, cook books, homemade lasagnas, edible flowers, and new vantage points and landscapes. Please share resources if you have any. I'm all ears. If photography and cooking also happen to pique your curiosity, I would love an accountability partner and/or group!
Until next time x
