Birthday Scaries Be Gone 🎂
Hello from my bathtub!
I’m writing this newsletter in my Notes app, engulfed in bubbles that are subtly popping and disappearing all around me. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I think it’s the first birthday in many years where I don’t feel like disappearing into an abyss of sadness and regret. My birthdays were often very traumatic and uncomfortable growing up. As an adult approaching her later 20's, I am now in the process of reframing what a birthday should feel and look like. For me, not for anyone else. Despite the birthday trauma, birthdays really are my absolute favorite celebrations. I love singing happy birthday to my loved ones and friends, and am the person in the corner trying to keep it together while wiping tears from the sheer joy that I experience celebrating my favorite humans in the world. I am often in awe watching the expression on people’s faces once they’ve locked in their wish, and blowing out the candles shortly thereafter. In those very moments, there seems to be immense magic and electricity in the air.
So with that said, I’m celebrating my birthday for the first time in 9 years tonight! We’re actually leaving in about an hour, so I’m trying my best to wrap this up quickly. Last week I mentioned that there is something about the feeling of ‘being seen’ that makes me immensely nervous, while simultaneously very curious. For 9 years I avoided ‘drawing attention’ to myself on my birthday, thinking that if I do something terrible might happen again. Trauma is a beast. 9 years ago I ended up homeless shortly after my 18th birthday, and my dearest friend and her god-sent family invited me into their home for the next 9 months (hi, Emina! I love you and am forever indebted to you). This year something has shifted where my inner dialogue surrounding my birthday has felt really healthy and grounded. I felt a ‘full body yes’ (A full body yes happens when you are fully aligned with your whole body - head, heart and gut - and there is a bodily sense of well being as you consider a choice) thinking about whether or not I should celebrate. So here I am. For the last week, however, I’ve thought about canceling and aborting this absurdly ludicrous idea (that’s what my brain has been labeling it as) so many times. Despite the negative whispers, I decided to do a full commit. So, in a few hours I will be seeing all of my favorite people in one place together, and I will do my very best to avoid disappearing into a dark corner. I trust that nothing horrible will happen. In fact, I trust that it will be a beautiful night. I trust that I am deserving of joy on a day that once felt very uncomfortable and foreign to me. If you are coming tonight, I'm so excited to see you. It'll be a beautiful group of both old friends, and new ❤️
As I mentioned, I’m in a bit of a rush! But I definitely want to let my thoughts marinate a little bit before I share more. While I was writing the first few words of this newsletter, I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything to say or share, but now that I’ve started I can hardly stop myself from going on a long tangent on a multitude of topics. I’ll save the rest for later because the bath water is getting cold. I also forgot to share that I’m in the bath with Christian and my knees are starting to lock out.
Au revoir ma cherie, until next time!