It's a beautiful day to begin anew

Hello, beautiful friends!

It’s so lovely and wonderful to be connected in this way. Email is a completely different ballpark and medium, but a part of me feels so much more intimately connected to you now, and I really love that feeling and am currently relishing in it, particularly during a time where everyone is still emerging out of prolonged isolation. We’re basically pen pals now. Thank you for trusting me, and sharing your email with me.

I’ve been absolutely paralyzed from head to toe since I embarked on the wild journey of writing and putting out a newsletter. Naturally, quite a lot of self-criticism has been boiling up to the surface. “I have nothing valuable to share”, “What is the point?”, “I’m not a good writer” etc. You probably know how the old tale goes. So much so that every time I’ve sat down to write over the last 6 weekends or so I somehow end up mortified, whilst slowly but surely shifting my attention to something less intimidating, and uncomfortable - like watching a movie, or cleaning out my inbox, organizing my kitchen pantry, or literally doing laundry?? All things that I’ve been aimlessly putting off, but of course they come to the very forefront in the face of me having to tackle something that will actually fill my cup up to the brim. It’s been so much endless back and forth between the part of me that desperately desires to tackle my fears, move towards realizing my biggest dreams, and the part of me that feels comfortable and safe keeping things exactly how they are. Weekends scare me. They force me to face myself, and I’m at times quite unhappy with what I see in this metaphorical reflection as I move through the day without a work agenda to distract me. I choose this in some unconscious way because of the safety that it provides me with, yet I know exactly what needs to be done to help me move towards becoming a more fulfilled, and realized human being.  Needless to say, it hasn’t been fun staring blankly into my laptop screen while figuring out how to form a sentence with tears streaming down my face over the last few weeks. It’s been chaotic, but also beautiful and expansive in a strange, masochistic way.

I realize that I strive for perfection more often times than not. I strive for perfection because perfection is what was demanded of me throughout my childhood. Or perhaps it is what I demanded of myself? That is something I’m still in the process of unpacking. In my mind I can’t put out anything that is less than perfect, and when perfect is an impossible standard that I assign to myself, it very quickly becomes a slippery slope to a lot of self-deprecation. With that being said, over the last couple of weeks I’ve come to the understanding that only I have the power to release myself from these standards. If I continue to wait for the perfect lightning bolt of inspiration to strike, or the perfect stroke and combination of words, the perfect time and day to share, the perfect and optimal mental headspace to write - that day, unfortunately, will never come.  Today I sat down and said, “I’m letting all of that shit go!”. So, here I am with my imperfect stream of thoughts.  I have absolutely no agenda. I just know I have to get something out sooner rather than later. Thank you, friends, for receiving me in this way.

I grew up with the notion that creativity and talent come naturally only to the few that are creative and talented, the “chosen ones” of humanity so to speak. Of course, that is true for some, however, for the majority of us it takes immense practice, patience, and intention to show up creatively day to day, especially in a capitalist society consumed by performance, money, extroversion, and career success. I’ve lived the majority of my adult life dreaming of an existence where my creative output matches my output for my work and career. Or, in other words, where I’m able to give back to myself as much (or close to the amount) that I give to work. I’m still learning, and this newsletter is my attempt at getting closer to that. I am quite successful in my career, and I’m grateful to have made such leaps and bounds as a high school dropout, however, at this stage in my life, my soul CRAVES connection, creative expression, play, a deeper connection to my roots, and intimacy with myself, and of course, others. With all that said, a newsletter felt like the perfect container where all of these things (plus more) can come to fruition without the noise and pressure of social algorithms, trending sounds, and right/wrong posting times. This leads me closer to my why.

This year I learned that wherever you feel resistance or fear (however big or small) is exactly where immense opportunities for growth exist. I feel a lot of fear when it comes to putting myself ‘out there’. The feeling of being perceived is simultaneously both terrifying, and very curious to me. Curious because I desperately want to see others, and feel seen, yet I cower from opportunities that present themselves to me. We are all social creatures after all, and deeply crave a sense of belonging, however, how does that sense of belonging become skewed in the midst of a global pandemic, and in my case, a very isolated day to day fueled by a remote work environment for the last 3+ years? I AM SO HUNGRY FOR INTIMATE CONNECTION. I don’t have many answers, in fact, these days it feels like I know very very little (and I do), but I am so curious to learn and grow alongside other curious humans. This newsletter exists to feed that curiosity, connect with others more intimately, and creatively express myself through different mediums. My shares are going to be messy more often times than not, but they will also be human, and honest.

I'm also doing this for baby Liza. The girl you see below was truly the most courageous and powerful little human. Despite all of the challenges that she had to face in childhood, she continued to dream up beautiful, boundless worlds. She was a force to be reckoned with, and I am venturing out into the unknown to get back in touch with her. This feels especially poignant as I reflect on the last 27 years of my life as I near the end of another year, and my birthday next week.

Even as I’m writing all of this, I hear the little voice inside of myself saying “delete this and RUN away as fast you can”. That little voice tells me I’m a fraud, and so many other mean things, however, what I’m really leaning into during this next chapter in my life is telling that voice (or my Part X, as Phil Stutz calls it) to fuck off. Not only that, but the biggest fuck you to that voice is going to be pressing send on this newsletter. If you are receiving this, I did it!

What to expect?

I'm still figuring out the exact format, so there will likely be quite a few changes over the next few months! My supportive and wonderful hubby, Christian, recommends that I stick to a structure to lessen overwhelm (a feeling that tends to permeate my existence more often times than not), so here are a few things you can expect from this newsletter:

• Personal Updates - Sharing on Instagram, especially in the same format as I just did above has not been conducive. I am bursting at the seams to share really vulnerable parts of myself, and connect with others on this wild ride we call life, so definitely expect to receive updates, existential quandary, curiosities, book/movie/music recommendations, photography, and so on and so forth. The sky is the limit, right? 🌌

• Conversations With My Grandma - earlier this year, I began a project very near and dear to my heart. My grandma, and my bestfriend, is one of the most fascinating humans I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. My immense love for her, as well as my curiosity for her life story has inspired me to dig deeper into our relationship with the intention of 1) building a stronger relationship while we're thousands of miles apart, 2) soaking up as much as of her wealth of wisdom and knowledge as I possibly can while she is still earthside, and 3) sharing her beautiful soul and heart with the rest of the world. I've been interviewing her every weekend over the last few months on the topics of loss, change, love, philosophy, and messy humanness that we all face, and I'm so excited to share these meaningful exchanges with you soon.

• 2023 Project - I am dreaming up something that I'm really really excited about. I'd love to take you along on the ride. More on this very soon!

That's about it, folks! Some weeks I may not have anything to share, and other weeks I may end up conjuring a novel of 5,000 words. Hopefully, not that long (for your sake and my own), but my point is that no matter how big or small the effort, I need to prove to myself first and foremost that I CAN and WILL show up in whichever capacity. I am here to finally release myself from the shackles of perfection, self-criticism, and fear.

Phew, we made it to the end. Thank you endlessly for being here and supporting my messy self. I'm so grateful that you decided to come along on this journey, and I can't wait to connect with you deeper week after week.

Sending so much love to you. Hope you have a beautiful and bountiful week ahead ❤️

Ok, hitting send. Eeeeek!