Goodbye To All Of That
Happy 2023!
(holy shit)
If you are feeling the weight of this past year weigh heavy on your heart today, please know that you are not alone. It's so easy to get swept away with and distracted by the weight of unfulfilled dreams, unspoken words, and unfinished projects. The years following COVID have also felt particularly eerie, as if someone somewhere decided to press the ⏩ button on life; the feeling of trying to keep up with the speed of it all can feel so disempowering. I hope you feel proud of everything that you have accomplished (no matter how big or small the feat), welcomed in, let go of, celebrated, and grieved in 2022. You have grown so much against all odds. I am completely in awe of you and your continued resilience!
2022 has been the most difficult year of my adulthood.
What is strange is that it has also been the best year, filled with so much joy and wholeness. I guess that's how it works, doesn't it? The bitter and the sweet, the yin and the yang, the dark and the light; all of it balancing harmoniously into a perfectly imperfect dance. I faced completely unexpected change, challenge, and heartbreak which uprooted all of the things that I once deemed to be safe, secure, and comfortable. I've explored the many spectrums of grief for the first time. In fact, I am in the very thick of grieving my mother, still. How curious it is to grieve someone who is still alive. I am grieving a relationship that once was, an idealized version of a human that was here not too long ago. I am in the midst of letting go of a love so deep and so strong, and understanding that I will likely never know or feel that kind of love again. I learned this year that getting your heart broken by a parent is likely one of the biggest pains you'll ever experience in life, but it is also a pain that I am learning how to move through with far more grace and courage in the coming years.
Change.
Christian and I have been raising my 17 year old sister for the last 1.5 years with no support, and I gotta say....it has been the most difficult (and simultaneously rewarding) thing we've ever done as partners. If you know us, you likely know that we wanted to have a lot of babies, ASAP. I'm pretty sure we were ready to have 10 babies back to back at some point. Nothing could be further from the truth now 🙈 We still want to build a family, but we're willing to wait as long as we possibly can before taking that next step.
Change.
Given the above, naturally, our relationship has not been spared. We faced more relationship turmoil than ever this year, but I can say with confidence that our strong-suit from the very start has been transparent and empathetic communication. Some days we communicated gracefully, others not so much, but we moved forward, forgave, deeply listened, and held each other through it all. Neither one of us have all of the answers, but we are so willing and open to figure it out hand in hand.
This past year I understood the importance of otherness (more on otherness here) in a relationship. I am in the process of learning how to break co-dependence, and invest and root into my myself through rest, creative passions, and personal relationships. It's been so liberating, yet horribly disorienting. I didn't realize how much I relied on Christian for emotional support, and it's been a challenge re-learning how to rely on myself, again. It's so interesting how you can lose that inner anchor in the midst of a powerful love for another person. Oh, did I mention that we've also been quietly navigating the ebbs and flows of polyamory for the last 6 years of our relationship? More on that in 2023...
Here is what Esther Perel says on the two pillars of love:
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.”
Change.
At the beginning of the year, I seeked out therapy for the first time which, unintentionally, became the biggest catalyst for a life altering decision. In short, I've been working on my mom's immigration from Russia to the US for the last 3 years, and dreaming of finally reuniting my family for 12. Despite this, I decided to cancel the entire petition. I told my mom the news via a voice memo because I couldn't bear to hear her reaction in real time. What followed that decision was an onslaught of pain, anxiety, grief and guilt (lots of it), but surprisingly, a whole lot of relief and catharsis as well. I feel with my entire heart that I made the right decision, and that has provided me with so much inner strength.
Change.
2022 felt like getting caught in a powerful rip tide, exerting all the strength present in each muscle to pull myself back to the shore just to get beat down over and over by crashing waves and swirling, stomach-churning white water. And yet, I am so overwhelmingly alive.
A healthy spirit has the confidence that it can meet the future.
A healthy spirit maintains a positive view of the future and constantly works to create that future.
Everyday, I strive to create a healthier spirit for myself.
All this to say, 2022 has taught me how to meet and embrace pain. It taught me how to surrender to change and everything that comes with it. I am so grateful to be on the other side of things as a stronger and more courageous human.
All of it is very bittersweet. Bittersweet has seemingly become the word of 2022. I read Bittersweet: How Longing and Sorrow Can Make Us Whole by Susan Cain a few months ago, and everything somehow clicked into place after finishing the book. Life is about marrying the bitter with the sweet. It's about dancing this imperfect dance, and pushing through against all odds. It's what makes being a human so fucking incredible to begin with. We are such amazing creatures. We have such immense capacities to feel, to love, to experience it all.
So here is some of my own personal sweetness from 2022 to pair with the above:
- Building a relationship with my sister has been a blessing of a lifetime. Seeing Christian build a deeper relationship with my sister has been an even greater gift. We've had so many difficult conversations, and have truly had to coach Sasha through the trenches of adolescence, but it has all been worth it now that she's approaching 18, and an independent life. She is an amazing kid, and my heart is overflowing with excitement for her future.
- Community. I have no words. You all know who you are! My love runs so so deep for you. I've only known a handful of you for such a short period of time, but my heart continues to expand from your love and support in ways I never expected. Our community in LA has such a beautiful, and open heart. Our values seem to be so intrinsically aligned, and you have made the landing of this year so much softer. Thank you for everything that you are.
- We ascended the highest peak of Southern California, swam with the Garibaldi in crystal clear Laguna waters, learned how to forage the native flora of Los Angeles, traversed rock faces, and truly got in touch with all of our senses last year! 2022 has been an absolute adventure. Pair adventure with the community above, and you are left with a very fulfilled sense of being.
- BERLIN. Christian and I traveled outside of the states for the first time in our relationship, and it was well worth the wait. We fell head over heels in love with the city, and all of it's inhabitants. That city will forever hold such a tender place in our hearts. My techno spirit also got a chance to indulge in Berghain 😭
- New York. Returning from Berlin made me realize what I have been missing in LA. More than anything, I missed walking and experiencing the soul of a city day in and day out. I found it an arduous experience coming back to LA from Europe, and that prompted us to explore other avenues and horizons for our life, which ultimately led us back to New York. Each experience informs the next, and all that is asked of us is to listen carefully and move towards our joy.
I am so grateful for another year. Cheers to yet another revolution around the sun as a collective. We are doing amazing, despite all odds. You are amazing. I wish you continued and endless grace and courage for this year.
I was going to share more about my project for 2023 in this post, but figured it's best to leave for the next release due to the sheer length of this one.
Stay tuned for more very soon!
