🧿 Let's Try This Again
A new year, for me, marks the opportunity to begin completely fresh and anew. There is somewhat a bittersweet feeling at the start of a new year that nests within me, tainted by the continued passing of time, however, for a human completely fascinated by growth, forward motion, resilience, and progress (das me!), it feels like a really electric and rejuvenating period. It feels a bit easier to let go, and move forward with a lighter step. Nonetheless, it's a double edged sword as that energy almost always has a tendency of fizzling out into the ether, and you all of sudden find yourself in the comfortable mundane, over and over again.
The mundane will come, but how do you empower yourself to continue reaching for the stars, rain or shine? How do you make the mundane miraculous day after day, and commit to showing up to yourself despite the ebbs and the flows?
Before diving in further, I must be painstakingly transparent with you and share that I have embarked on a similar quest approximately 3 times in the last decade. Completely shamelessly, I want nothing more than to try again, and again. Over the years I've improved my skills at not just failing and falling ad nauseam, but really understanding the importance and skill of being able to fail, fall, dust yourself off, and try again despite the fear that may loom over me. There is a certain swagger to that kind of stubbornness and perseverance. What is interesting is it seems as if life keeps bringing things full circle. More specifically, every year it dawns on me that I, still, have not fully leaned into my many passions and the big, expansive life that my heart desires. I'm close, but it sometimes feels like I'm still flirting with life, rather than diving into the deep end.
I have an insecurity surrounding life's purpose.
What an interesting concept that so many of us humans pursue. I love my job and the beautiful blessings that have come out of it, but my job is not my purpose. Based on the definition of the word, I'm not too certain if your job has to be your purpose. Yet, the everlasting need for purpose is one of the defining characteristics of human beings, and the main components of a fulfilling life.
purpose: the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc ; 2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal
"What is my purpose?" she says, while staring into the distance forlornly.
Well, this past year I ~ believe ~ I've discovered the answer to that existentially dreaded question. Instead of chasing the why, I shifted my attention to the how. Through many days, weeks and months of introspection and self-inquiry, I've uncovered that my purpose, simply put, is to love, play, and explore.
If you're attempting to find purpose, but you feel as though you're unable to commit yourself to one particular career or creative venture, perhaps that resonates with you as well? It felt undeniably true in my body. The sheer understanding of that simple truth reverberated throughout the walls of my chest cavity. I wanted to scream my truth for the rest of the world to hear, "I finally found you, my long lost purpose!"
For as long as I can remember, I've been interested in everything. So much so that I refused to go to college because I couldn't bring myself to choose and dedicate myself to one path. As a child, I recall sifting through, and getting lost within the pages of my parents' collections of encyclopedias and dictionaries, discovering uncharted worlds of new information existing right at my fingertips. I wanted to be everything from a coroner, a circus performer, and an actress, to a movie director, yoga instructor, and journalist. My universe never stopped expanding at immense speeds as a curious child. That same wide-eyed curiosity has only continued to expand further out over time. At 27, my curiosity feels completely insatiable, for better or for worse.
So, I am embarking on a soulful exploration of what it means to be a purposeful human in 2023. This isn't a new years resolution, but more-so a radical commitment to the self. For years I've told myself that I can't do X because of my trauma, anxiety, lack of experience, parents, etc. Last year - thanks to therapy and many, many conversations with Christian - it was liberating to understand that I am the only one holding onto these stories. In fact, I hold the power to not only re-write my perception of these stories, but also draft and envision completely new chapters where I'm no longer burdened by the past.
This is where my experiment comes in!
In an effort to pursue uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable satisfaction, I will be fully exploring 1-2 hobbies / personal interests every 3 months in 2023. If all goes as planned, I am hoping to have either a minimum of 4, or a maximum of 8 hobbies that I've fed my curiosity with by December, and hopefully, be inspired to run with the same formula (or a version of it) for many years to come. This is an attempt try out the things I've always been curious in, but never had the courage or "time" to actually do. I am not setting expectations, or hard rules. The goal is simply to have fun exploring and creating, and avoid trying to be perfect.
Here are just a handful of things I'd love to explore in the months and years to come:
- Baking
- Surfing
- Contemporary Dance
- Farming / gardening
- Poetry
- Public Speaking
- Acting / Improv
- Yoga
- Running
- Musical instruments
- Creative Writing
- Cinematography
Surfing and ceramics are my chosen hobbies for the first 3 months of the year. I've kickstarted both by picking up a wetsuit from a friend (thank you, Chantel!) for surfing the other week, and locking in a month of a wheel-throwing class at a local pottery studio. I used regret as a compass to decide on surfing in particular given that surfing hasn't left my mind for the entirety of the four years of living in Los Angeles, and I will certainly regret not trying (at the very least) once we're back in New York.
After a handful of failed attempts at my first wheel-throwing class, I threw a piece that resembles a bowl :) I haven't mustered up the courage to surf because of the rain in LA these past 2 weeks, but I used the extra downtime to learn about swells, tides, offshore and onshore winds, and the most optimal beaches for surfing in SoCal. So far, I love reading the weather forecasts on Surfline app because they write the weather reports with their California surfer accents, it's the best. Apparently, our nervous system can’t tell the difference between real and imagined experience, so I've also been imagining myself plunging into the icy ocean with my surfboard in tow to help me overcome the actual fear that I have before doing the goddamn thing in the middle of winter.
This newsletter is a big aspect of this project. Selfishly, I am using writing as a medium to self-express, and keep myself accountable to the things I mentioned above. Week after week I tell myself, "what value are you providing to others?", and candidly, I'm not sure if I have the answer to that question yet. Currently, I am writing just to write, express, and understand myself and the world on a more intimate level. I haven't had my cup filled in a very long time, and I'm not sure if can focus on filling the cups of others until I at least figure out how to give back to myself. Interestingly enough, I am chronicling that exploration, and I am hoping to be able to give back tenfold as my cup begins to overflow. So although I'm not providing too much value, I hope what I share here still resonates in one way or another.
I'm also following The Artist's Way 12 week program (currently on week 2). Serendipitously, a lot of what I'm unpacking in the program goes hand in hand with the project.
Here's an excerpt that really resonated:
There will be many times when we won't look good- to ourselves or anyone else. We need to stop demanding that we do. It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time. Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one. When I make this point in teaching, I am met by instant, defensive hostility: "But do you know how old I will be by the time I learn to really play the piano/act/paint/ write a decent play?"
Yes…. the same age you will be if you don’t.
So let's start.
Pressing send, and running off to my pottery class! 🏃♀️
Wishing everyone a beautiful and restful Sunday.
